reading this concurrently with angela chen's Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex was an interesting experience that highlighted the limits of perel's (admittedly lovely) insights, at least in terms of applicability to my own life.

"Joni is quite forthcoming in disclosing her sexual past... But when I ask her, 'What does sex mean to you? What are the feelings that accompany your desire? What do you seek in sex? What do you want to feel? To express? Where do you hold back?' she looks at me, perplexed. 'I have no idea,' she admits. 'No one's ever asked me that before.'"No one's ever asked me that before.Sex is simple—two people (occasionally more), in the same time, in the same place, with the same idea—that's all it is, all...

If you're in a long-term relationship, or ever want to be in one, you must read this book. It tells you how to have the security, stability, comfort, etc that are requirements for a healthy a LT relationship while at the same time creating the uncertainty, mystery, and risk that are requirements for passion. The author is a therapist in NY and draws on cases to illustrate her points. It's engaging, the topic is fascinating, and Perel has some refreshingly smart suggestions for maintaining or rec...

This book is so much more erotically charged than the "50 Shades" fictional nonsense. Perel offers great insight into human desire -- for love, sex, connection, space -- and how we tend to thwart the very intimacy we crave by applying judgement to our desires. I haven't read a better reason to be hopeful that long term relationships can maintain, even increase, passion and desire than this --"The counterargument to the law of diminishing returns is the principle that consistent investment leads

This book aptly inspects the question: Why passion, desire, eroticism and sexuality follow a downward spiral after marriage. Many elements contributing to this issue are examined with real case studies and often with practical suggestions. There are a lot of eye-opening and counter intuitive insights in the book that if practiced, will reignite the engine of passion in a married life. I highly recommend this book to everyone, not just couples.

A cutting statement that rings, “Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did[..]”, points to a problem and the balance that the author aims to bring more guidance around in the frame of long-term committed relationships. To maintain the sparks, Perel says there is a need to balance Love, which is about having, with Desire, which is about wanting, and creating a sense of oneness for deep emotional connection, without possessing of the other person. Autonomy and individ...

Reading this book I soon found myself questioning every aspect of my marriage. Apparently, I should be keeping my wife at a distance or we'll get bored with each other. Maybe I rely too much on verbal communication to express my feelings? Sure, things are great now, but am I setting the stage for an unhappy 2nd act? Would my wife be happier married to someone who doesn't speak English?I quit. I don't need a book to make me second-guess and doubt the happiest aspect of my life.

I wanted this to be the answer to the last couple of fights I've had with my partner. The subtitle is "Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic", and so I'd hoped that this would help me understand why it is we fight with the one we love most, and how to prevent real problems before they happen. This is, after all, what the book promises to do.But, unfortunately, it really falls short. Because while the author gives numerous anecdotal accounts of how this couple or that was able to reignite the f...

Audiobook... read by Esther Perel (the author)Esther Perel, sex therapist....shares case studies about couples love lives — desires—arousal—eroticism—exploring the mysteries of Eros..Many aspects of sexuality are explored between couples:....sexual communication, sharing fantasies, core beliefs, desire, aging, monogamy, affairs, intimacy, freedom, problems, comfort, closeness, barriers, spice, truth, couple-arrangements, sex as play, sex as love etc. etc. ....emotional aphrodisiacs.... “feelings...

Enlightening. This is one of those books that make you better, educated, happier, confident and much more if you read this with a very very open mind. Doesn't give you advise nor tell you what's better, it just sets you free... I love it! Finished it in two days. Couldn't stop reading. Totally influencing my life right now.

Reconciling Cliche and Popular SociologyOn a crowded bus last week, my eight year old son couldn't help but inquire about the title of Esther Perel's debut book, "Mating in Captivity : Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic." What's "mating" mean, dad? And "cap-tiv-i-ty?" With numerous ears besides his own eager to hear my reply, I resorted to cheap humor that passed by him as surely as hot sex passes by Perel's patients throughout this book. "Mating." I told him, "is finding someone to love an...

When your entire book is based on the premise that intimacy kills desire, you've lost me. The idea that the closer you get to someone, the more comfortable with them, the safer you feel, the less attracted to them you are just seems ludicrous (and if that's true I feel like maybe you've got some solo therapy to do). The idea that you should talk/share less, flirt with other men to create "safe" jealousy, and perhaps open your marriage up to other partners or dating other people....it just hardly...

The author's thesis is that relationships require a gap for a spark to cross, or that too much intimacy kills sex.I stopped reading after getting fed up with the name dropping, failure to back up her claims, and offering conflicting, and potentially damaging advice in her book regarding relationships.If you want a pop-sci self-help book that encourages infidelity, you might find comfort in this book. Otherwise I'd recommend staying away from this one.

Interesting, but not very practical--The main argument of the book is this: intimacy begets comfort and boredom, distance unpredictability and excitement. Pretty commonsensical stuff, but when applied to marriage, it can be a powerful principle.Most couples experience an increase in boredom as they become intimate and comfortable with each other and they start to yearn for the excitement. This transition is not only emotional but biological: a man's testosterone levels plummet after his wife giv...

How does one begin a review of a book about eroticism in long-term relationships? And, more personally, how does a single man currently outside a long-term relationship do so? I have no idea, so I'll just say that this is an excellent introduction into an incredibly complex topic.The core issue that Perel addresses is the inherent tension between what are arguably our two greatest needs in a long-term romantic relationship: continued sexual chemistry and emotional safety. Because the former requ...

I saw Esther Perel on The Colbert Report and as always, Colbert made the conversation interesting. I'm not one for self-help books or couple advice, but I was intrigued after that interview. I should have just stayed away.The basis of this book appears to be "familiarity breeds contempt." Emotional distance, according to the author, equals a better sex life and therefore better marriage. I found this wholly contradictory and I could not get on board with her "therapy" message. Honestly Perel com...

It never ceases to amaze me how people insist on planning and preparing for the most trivial things in their lives, and then completely neglect all of the psychological and scientific information for the things that they themselves consider to be the most important or long-term in their lives, like their relationships.This book tackles the notion of eroticism and domesticity - how they interact and play out in longer term relationships. It discusses how sexual desire can fade over time, the reas...

Quite interesting to dive into a topic we al have feelings about but don’t talk often about. Clear-eyed about the relationship between love and desire, and how to keep things freshThe laundry won’t do itself you know.And sex will?Do watch the TEDTalk of the author: https://youtu.be/sa0RUmGTCYYEsther Perel writes in a snappy, down to earth manner about the interaction of relationships and sexuality. Most often (the quality and/or frequency of) sex in a longterm relationship is seen as a proxy of

80% of this is solid advice, the remaining 20% is there to get headlines - and to help the couples rethink themselvesI first learned about Esther Perel from a friend, and then from the New Yorker, where she is supposedly 'rethinking infidelity.'Is she? Yes - but she's not telling anyone to cheat either. Perel just recognizes that there is a lot of unhappiness in monogamous couples, and a lot of sexual dysfunction.So though she doesn't tell them to cheat, she may tell them to at least look in tha...

The author is a European, kink-and-alternative-lifestyle-friendly relationship therapist. It was quite refreshing to have her non-judgmental viewpoint on most issues of sexuality. She maintains throughout the book that in order to develop intimacy between two people, there needs to be some separateness. Which is a problem in this American society where our mate is supposed to be everything to us. There's a struggle in finding another person erotic and sexy when there's too much comfort and secur...