Everyone in a relationship should read THE STATE OF AFFAIRS: Perel is a wonderfully engaging writer, and raises so many thought-provoking questions and opportunities for deep thought and reflection. Marriage in America has gone through so many changes in a relatively short period of time, and this book gives both those who are happily coupled language to start a conversation and those who have dealt with infidelity an incredible perspective. Not to be missed.

The funny (and probably unfortunate) thing about reading a book like this is that people automatically assume you're trying to save your marriage or something. haha. I discovered Esther Perel via Dan Savage. I love both their practical approaches to relationships. They deal with the realities of life, not idealistic dreams that often don't work in people's daily experience. Perel does not minimize the pain of infidelity. But she's a much needed voice in our culture about what infidelity means an...

"Our partners do not belong to us. They are only on loan with an option to renew - or not. Knowing that we can lose them does not have to undermine commitment. Rather, it mandates an active engagement that longterm couples often lose. The realization that our loved ones are forever elusive should jolt us out of complacency in the most positive sense." - Esther Perel, The State of AffairsI discovered Perel not through TedTalks, as many people apparently have, but because her podcast, "Where Shoul...

Our partners do not belong to us; they are only on loan, with an option to renew—or not. Knowing that we can lose them does not have to undermine commitment; rather, it mandates an active engagement that long-term couples often lose. The realization that our loved ones are forever elusive should jolt us out of complacency, in the most positive sense. First read of this year and my conclusion is this – everyone should read this book. Regardless of your age, gender, relationship status, sexual

Too repetitive. This book could have been done in 3-4 chapters, it's just a series of anecdotes, with no development in the findings or inferences. I was bored throughout (read for book club).

I came to this book with some friendly skepticism; I’d heard Esther Perel on several podcasts I listen to and I found her engaging and thoughtful, but as a therapist I was a bit turned off by her use of outdated Freudian concepts. However, this book was very light on the Freud. I loved how seamlessly Perel wove in her anonymized patients’ stories along with her own theory and observations. She didn’t cite much research or anything like that, but she didn’t need to, because this is a book about n...

You go through these periods where everyone you know is getting married, then having babies; and then suddenly, you reach an age where it seems like everyone you know is Having Problems. We noticed this a couple of years ago – all at once it seemed that half the friends we knew were watching their marriages fall apart because the men were sleeping with their secretaries. ‘Can you believe these guys?’ Hannah fumed. ‘And where are all these secretaries, anyway?’ I said, staring into the middle dis...

I'm a huge fan of Perel's super realistic view of marriage. I've been following her work and this book did not disappoint. I know she's a sex therapist and so her focus on sex obviously makes sense and when you are a researcher focused on one thing, you tend to think that that thing is the most important thing. But I wish she had given a more holistic view of marriage apart from the sex/desire angle. Because I think this is part of the problem with some of our modern thinking about a marriage th...

A really interesting look at infidelity, through a lens of compassion and wisdom.

I appreciate the way Esther Perel has sought to truly understand her clients. I'd like to be able to channel her level of empathy and insight someday. We'd likely all be better partners if more of us did the type of self-reflection and -exploration Perel encourages in The State of Affairs. Often easier said than done though, I think.

How very limited is our vocabulary and emotional intelligence when it comes to infidelity. Quick to use the stereotyped responses and to protect the romantic ideal that, let's be honest, the a large majority of people are not able to live up to or are unhappy while doing that. Esther Perel gets that. She has cut through the Affair Cake with a sharp knife during her decades long practice as a psychotherapist, and she has quite a lot to tell about all the layers it hides. Her approach is refreshin...

I remembering watching Esther Perel's TedTalk on infidelity and loving it so much even though I am not married or was ever in an affair. I started listening to her podcast Where Should We Begin? and I devoured the two seasons. I cannot get over real and important that podcast and this book is. As Perel puts it, "this is not just a book about infidelity... I hope to engage you, the reader, in an honest, enlightened, and provocative exploration of modern relationships in their many variations.

4.5 stars. I dove into this book to explore my own values and assumptions about infidelity and relationships, especially as a way to give me language to discuss what is important and fearful about marriage as we know it today. I just loved how it opened my mind to giving grace, curiosity, and clarity to marriage, and I love the emphasis on clear communication. For me, the realization that almost every relationship develops the patchwork of its boundaries and assumptions by “trial and error” seem...

Apparently eighty percent of the population has some experience with infidelity, whether through a parent, spouse, friend, or family member. Considering how hurtful and destructive such urges are, it is amazing most of us are still standing. Esther Perel has distilled her years of marriage counseling and study of infidelity to reveal fascinating insights that make enormous sense to me. She tells us that “In a surprising number of these cases, a direct line can be traced from an extramarital adv...

[4.5*]Since I have already professed my love and admiration for Esther Perel, I will only say that this is yet another book of hers that is worth reading for anyone who is in a relationship. I've always wondered how people manage to maintain long-term relationships and Perel in this book explores what happens when one of the partners actually strays. Spoiler alert: affair is not always about the relationship and it doesn't have to lead to the break-up of the said relationship. The book outlines

I liked this book and would have liked it even more if Esther Perel focused more on relationships outside the context of marriage. What I appreciated most about The State of Affairs: Perel recognizes that relationships are dynamic and require consistent communication and recalibration. Instead of taking a binary or absolutist approach, she explores the motivations and emotions underlying infidelity. I enjoyed the brief bits of feminist thought in the book, such as her recognition that marriage i...

"No woman should give any man the power to shatter her romantic ideals."

People are complex creatures. It goes without saying that the relationships they form are just as complex or even more so. This book gives insights many of us don’t stumble upon ..ever!As any other concept, marriage, boundaries, infidelity all get other definitions and interpretations from one person to the next. What I take from this is that communication is THE key. The couple needs to be on the same page regarding expectations, needs, feelings. These are conversations that need to take place

I am hesitant to review this book now because doing so means that it will be my first review of the year, meaning that, 12 months from now, I will be reminded of it in my little "here is what you read in 2019" and I was hoping to get the year off to a far better start. When I am reminded 12 months from now that I read this book I will remember nothing about its actual content, only that I gained nothing from it.The author, and host of a popular relationship podcast I have never listened to, come...

Thought her ideas were interesting -- reminded me of conversations in college sociology and gender comm classes about marriage etc. But the format of the book was not for me. Way too many examples, not very much data. Also some quotations pulled out of context and some pretty sweeping generalizations about different cultures. I could've gotten the idea in an essay or article.